Pitchman

Over the past several months, Gene and I have been joking around about different infomercial products. It hasn't been a major part of our lives or anything, just a little teasing about the ShamWow! or the Snuggie. Oh, and if we see a woman we suspect of using a Bumpit, we point her out. On the rare occasion we're at Target or Walgreens together, we might stop and marvel at the As Seen on TV section. It's a dumb inside joke that one of our children has now picked up on...

Logan has been imitating fire extinguisher safety videos for some time. He knows what PASS means. He knows to occasionally tip the extinguisher upside down five times for I don't remember what. He can mimic entire safety videos and does them in the same monotone we've all come to expect in our work required safety training.

Lately, however, Logan's been trying to take the huge leap to imitating infomercials. It's a BIG difference. The safety video guys are dull and boring and speak slowly so you can take in and understand every important word. The infomercial pitchmen are loud and obnoxious and speak faster than auctioneers. They don't care if you take in every word, just that you get excited about a revolving hairbrush or a jerky-making machine.

Yesterday I was at the kitchen table, reading the paper and doing the Cryptoquote. (Yes, that's precisely how exciting I am!) Logan came in and started his pitch about some miracle planter thing to grow your own tomatoes indoors. Because NOTHING is better than fresh, homegrown tomatoes! But planting your own garden is bad freaking work! Wait a minute, bad freaking work? Kaylin was nearby and was unable to speak she was laughing so hard. I called him out on it and he very seriously said "Yeah, planting a garden is bad freaking work." Kaylin finally caught her breath and said "Back-breaking work, Logan. Back-breaking!!!" Ah, maybe he should stick to safety videos.

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Speaking of products seen on tv, Friday night I got myself a box of those detox foot pads that change from clean white to filthy-disgusting as they absorb impurities while you sleep. We were having dinner with my entire family and my dad offered to play the $3 game at Deal$ (a junk store mix between Everything's $1 and Big Lot's.) He then extended the game from grandchildren only to everyone. The foot pads were $5 so I forced Gene to go in with me :) It was bedtime when we got home so I applied a pad to each foot and then another to my right forearm that's been bothering me for several weeks. The smell was overpowering and awful. Gene compared it to a basted rawhide bone for a dog. I agreed, but it was really a STRONG spice or herb. I slept pretty well despite the pads and when I woke I eagerly turned on the light and ripped off the pads to check out the "impurities." I took the pad off my arm first and was somewhat disappointed. It just had a small amount of discoloration but was still mostly white. My feet didn't let me down! The pads were solid brown and dripping with nastiness. The smell, oh the smell...

Ok, I don't believe for one second that the pads removed anything toxic from my body. They got wet with sweat and changed colors. Whoop-dee-do. They did actually do SOMETHING. I have arch pain due to wearing rubber knee boots at work. It's usually worst in the morning until I stretch and it didn't hurt at all. Also, the dull muscle pain in my arm was gone. I think the pads work similarly to the stick-on heat pads you can buy for muscle pain. Except the heat pads don't stink and probably work a little better. I scrubbed my feet with soap and water and put on fresh socks before heading out for an hour and fifteen minute hike in the woods. I worked up a pretty good sweat and my socks and shoes REEKED like foot pad afterward. I took a shower, rescrubbed my feet and put on fresh socks and a different pair of shoes. Last night my socks smelled like foot pad. Repeat scrubbing and fresh socks. This morning my socks smell like foot pad. Yuck. I think I'll pass along (or maybe trash) the other 11 pads. I don't think I can handle the stink again. And there's No Way Gene's gonna put them on HIS feet!