Saturday, October 30, 2010

Yesterday it was my birthday...

Is my use of song lyrics getting old? Tough :)

Yesterday I turned 38. I've never really sweated getting older before, but for some reason this birthday hit me hard. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling old, but I do feel like if I want to make any changes in my life I better get on them! It's like I'm still young enough to go back to school if I need to, but just barely... How much longer will I be able to do my extremely physical job before I have to quit? I mean, I'm hoping another 10-15 years, but then what? Is it worth putting all that time in and then what, finding another non-zoo job in the park district to keep my benefits? What could I possibly do? Secretary of golf?

I've also always wanted to leave the Peoria area. If you would have told High School Susy I'd still be living in Peoria at age 38 I would have fallen on the floor laughing! I want to move to Denver or New Orleans or Montana or somewhere in Florida. Just to see what it's like! Then I think about how instead of using my vacation time to see these places, I'd be using it to return to Peoria. Ugh to that! Plus, Gene and I have worked HARD to get where we are now. I don't want to relive my "poor twenties" in my forties! Gene has been promoted so much at Cat I strongly doubt he'd be able to get a similar opportunity elsewhere.

I'm so conflicted between adventure and common sense, risk and safety, immaturity and maturity. If it was just me, it would hardly be a risk to find another job, move to another city and make what I'm making now. It would be a great adventure and potentially a way to advance my career. Gene's job is so different. Leaving his job would be a huge financial risk and potentially very unsafe. Would it be an adventure or a lifetime of disappointment and bitterness? It's hard to predict. It's hard to take that kind of risk when the kids are involved.

Speaking of the kids, now would be the perfect time to uproot them! They're old enough to have some measure of input and independence but young enough to not be completely tied to their friends and activities.

Urgh. Knowing me, I'll go with safety and security. I don't know if I can handle going from comfortable to poor, plenty of room to tiny apartment, college savings accounts to scraping together enough change for milk and bread... I guess I'll have to take the risk I'll live long enough to see retirement and save like crazy for the emu ranch of my dreams :)

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